Micro$oft.Marketing.c

[Man-wai CHANG]

An old file I found from my archives..


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-------------- next part --------------
Authors:
        Laurent Bonneval (bonneval at essi.fr)
        Pascal Janin (Pascal.janin at st.com) for the translation

------------------------------- Message Contents -------------------------------
Subject: Microsoft's strategy     

 Here we go.. Microsoft's secret to dominate the whole world.
      
                TOPSECRET!!! SOURCE CODE!!! KEEP READING!!!    
    
 Marketing strategy of Microsoft (MARKET.EXE)
    
 #include <nonsensical.h>
 #include <lies.h>
 #include <spysoftware.h>    /* library to get connected to Microsoft Network */
 #include <lawsuit.h>        /* for court of justice */
    
 #define say(x)               lie(x)
 #define computer_user        THEY_ALL_WANT_TO_PURCHASE_OUR_UNRELIABLE_SOFTWARE 
 #define next_year            soon
 #define product_ready_to_go  another_beta_version
    
 void main()
 {
   if (last_windows_version_came_less_than_one_month_ago) 
   {
     if (there_still_are_bugs)
       do(correct_bugs);
     if (sales_dropped_below_a_certain_limit)
       spread(rumors_about_a_new_bugsfree_release);
   }
   while(everyone_is_talking_about_a_new_version) 
   {
     tell_true_lies(it_will_do_multitasking); /* standard call to lies.h */
     if (rumors_keep_spreading)
       tell_true_lies(it_will_do_plug_and_play);
     if (rumors_keep_spreading_nevertheless) 
     {
       marketing_date=exceeded;
       say("It will be ready in one month.");
       command(programmers, stop_correcting_old_version's_bugs); 
       command(programmers, start_brainstorming_about_a_new_version); 
       command(marketing_direction, allowed_to_talk_nonsense); 
       leading_software=TRUE;
       break;
      }
   }
   switch (sales_questions_from_the_press) 
   {
     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
        say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," currently under testing");
        break;
     case WHEN_WILL_PLUG_AND_PLAY_WORK:
        say("Yes it is working fine");
        ask(programmers, why_doesn't_it_work); 
        pretend(there_are_no_problems);
        break;
      case WHAT_IS_THE_SMALLEST_CONFIGURATION_REQUIRED:
        say("It runs on a 8086 at lightspeed thanks to the 32 bits 
architecture");
        tell(INTEL,   "Pentium sales will break havoc"); 
        tell(SAMSUNG, "Start building a new DRAM production plant
                      "because all its customers will need at least 32Mbytes");
        tell(QUANTUM, "Thank our moster software which will make your sales 
triple");
        give_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
        break;
      case MICROSOFT_IS_GETTING_TOO_BIG:
        say("Oh no, we are simply making the world better for all of us");
        record(journalist, Bill's_Big_Book); 
        when(it's_about_just_the_time)
        {
          stop(journalist);
          brainwash(journalist);
          when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugs_free) 
          {
            command(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); 
            free(journalist);
          }
        }
        break;
    }
    while (leading_software)
    {
      introduction_date++; /* Delay */
      if (noone_believes_in_a_new_version)
        break;
      say("It will be ready in ",today+ONE_MONTH);
   }
   sell(beta_version)
   while (they_all_got_bored_of_our_lame_software) 
   {
     bill's_bank_account += 150*megabucks; 
     release(newer_version); 
     introduce(need_more_power);
     if (customers_report_installation_problems) 
     {
       say("It's a hardware problem, not a software problem");
       if (customer_confident_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) 
       {
         ignore(client);
         command(microsoft_secret_service, "Keep an eye on this troublemaker");
       }
     }
     if (bill's_humongous_bank_account && two_years_wedding ) 
     {
       divorce(woman_who_was_beautiful_when_I_married_her); 
       gossip(dollars, to_the_sexy_girl); 
       marry(young_virgin_overchested_blonde); 
       deflower(young_virgin_overchested_blonde);
       if (breasts_start_hanging_down)
         fire(young_virgin_overchested_blonde); 
         /* She is still virgin??? */
     }
     if (there_is_another_company)
     {
       steal(their_ideas);
       accuse(company, having_stolen_our_ideas); 
       hire(a_bunch_of_lawyers); /* in lawsuit.h */
       wait(until_the_other_company_cannot_sue_you_anymore);
       swallow(the_other_company);
     }
   }
   /* By now everyone has realized that we sold a lame software
      and they are mad at us
   */
   command(surgeon,give_Bill_the_face_of_an_innocent_bastard);
   purchase(a_nice_little_island); 
   rent(a_harem);
   laugh(at_everyone, 
for_having_been_waiting_a_new_limited_version_year_after_year);
 }
     
 void correct_the_bugs(void)
 {
   load(handful_of_bucks);
   if (customer_doesn't_want_to_pay_to_have_the_bugs_cleared_out)
     say("It_isn't_an_upgrade_but_a_new_version");
   if (there_still_are_complaints)
   {
     ignore(customer);
     write(customer, Bill's_Big_Book);
     /* We'll get him when he'll use Bill's lame softwares!! */
   }
 }