HELP!!!! anybody who knows php here?

[dep]

oh, man. what a week.

linux and main got really hammered by the slashdot effect monday; the 
site stayed up but the mysql server checked out early on, so there 
wasn't much to deliver.

turns out that phpnuke makes about *fifty* queries for every page 
that's served, which in my view is unconscionably sloppy, but i don't 
know what i can do about it in the short term.

we've been looking at jpcache (www.jpcache.com), and it shows great 
promise but for the fact that it will not take "no gzip" for an 
answer -- the browser's "accept encoding" setting apparently 
overrides it. which would not be a problem except that our apache, 
over which we do not have control, has mod_gzip enabled, with the 
result that we're not sending content but gzipped content which 
apache gzips again, with the result that garbage arrives at the 
reader's desktop.

i suspect that somebody who really knows his way around php could do a 
very good hack of jpcache that removes all references to gzip, or a 
quick and dirty hack which forces the thing to a value where it 
believes that the browser will not accept gzipped stuff, whereupon 
apache would gzip where appropriate not not gzip where appropriate.

it's not a very big file -- 500 lines or so -- but i have no clue as 
to php syntax. (i imagine that all we want it to do could be done in 
100 lines or less, because we know the answer to those lines and 
lines of "if" statements, so there's no "if" about it.)

anybody around here capable of doing this? we have no money, but if 
you pull it off we'll sing your praises.
-- 
dep

http://www.linuxandmain.com -- outside the box, barely within the 
envelope, and no animated paperclip anywhere.